35, I made a new friend

today at church. I like meeting new people. It's always nice to have different people to talk to, I'm planning on having a guy come over tonight and well just stay in my room and watch movies.

He's planning on more but I don't know if I'm up for it. Hmm. I rented the movie Pathology the other day, since I love horror. It was a really sick film. It really creeped the hell out of me. I hope people like that don't actually exist. I'm planning on going into the medical field & work as a doctor or in the ER or something, so I should get used to seeing blood and everyone's insides and stuff. That movie kind of freaked me out though. :( My brother didn't seem that affected by it, and hes 13. Eh.

I think it's like when I cried the first time I killed someone in a video game. I was playing GTA at my friend's house and I shot someone. I was kind of upset, haha.


I like to express my feelings in colors. I'll always try to figure out what "color" I'm feeling. Right now I feel like a darkish orange, or a light blue.
No, orange.
I feel it.

34, Update

I need to start getting on here more. I just don't feel like that many interesting things are going on. I've kind of been floating through life.
Ever since my high on delsym I've been thinking weird. Kind of weird. I was thinking about existence and perceiving things when I was out there and I've still been thinking about how those things work.
I wonder what is real. If I look at a tree, am I just seeing what I call a tree, or am I looking at a tree? What I am looking at is something with light reflecting off of it and going into my eyes which translate the light into something my brain can understand. Making me see a tree. So am I looking at a tree or am I seeing a tree? What is it that I am really looking at? What is the object before the signals are translated? I've heard that everything is just energy in different forms. So is life just a huge clusterfuck of vibrating energy and us experiencing it in different ways making us into the different people we are with different beliefs and opinions and views? Is there a point to continue?
I like experience, so yes. But what would happen if I didn't continue?
These are just some of the thoughts that have been going through my head lately.
Robert is distant at some times and not at others. I like him. I don't like how I can't reach him sometimes. All of the other boyfriends I've had, I have been able to reach whenever I wanted to. Robert is really busy at some times and it makes me wonder if I'm important to him or whether he is really that busy.
Maybe I'm just learning not to be too attached.
I've been less concerned with my eating lately. The less I worry about it the better it seems to work out. My body is looking nice, but I could lose some. I need to start working out again.
I'm going to.

33, MY COMPUTER HAS BEEN BROKEN

Gah! It's finally fixed! I just turned it off and fucked with the cords and it started working again. What the hell?! I totally have been working on it all week.
So I've been gaining weight, I think. According to the scale I've gone down like 1/2 a pound (which isn't anything) but I've been getting a little bigger. At least, I feel bigger.
Ugh, so I've spent the entire week watching The Dead Zone every night. Me and my mom used to watch that show all the time when I was younger, so I got the DVDs and decided to watch them since I haven't had much else to do. Well, that's what I've been doing every night and most of the day for the past week. My mom and brother got bronchitis or something when we went up to TN for my grandpas funeral about a week ago, so I've been trying to stay away from them anyway. I took some medicine because I was coughing and I got reallyy high, I guess you could say I took too much.
It made the show much more entertaining, lol. I've kind of needed a break from all of the bullshit that has been going on lately.

I hope life has been going better for you guys. I'm just going to try to be positive. Things always get better after things have gone downhill, so I guess I can just go up now.

Thirty two, the break is over

He said he has something he wants to tell me. I wonder if it's what I'm thinking it is. Hmmm.
School starts tomorrow. I don't want to go. I don't really care about most of my classes. I just don't want to go to Geometry. It's like Chinese. I don't understand a word of it. I was so good at Algebra last year, I don't understand why Geometry is so hard for me. & I've been overeating lately. I think everyone does over the holidays. I need to lose it though. Blehh, I'll stop eating breakfast and I'll eat as little as possible after school, because that's when I eat the most.
I cleaned my room a lot the past few days. It pretty much looks perfect today. It makes me really happy when my room is that clean. I just feel better whenever I go in there and it looks like that.
I've been feeling frustrated and impatient lately.
Things will get better. They always do.

31, I think my gift was just belated :)

I'm pretty sure I found a guy. We both like each other and have been seeing each other for the past few days. I'm really happy.
In other news, I've been staying at my friends house over the weekend because my mom left town to go see my grandpa. He's dying so she had to go up to see him. I guess she couldn't trust me to stay home alone. She's right. But it really sucks to have to stay with them all weekend. The parents are some strict SOBs.
I haven't been eating much lately. I'm hoping to keep this up. I only ate lunch yesterday. Today I just had something for breakfast and I'm going to try to stop there. I'll drink a lot of water today.
Back to school on Tuesday. BLEH!